Monday, January 03, 2005


Well, you seemed kind of pissed last night, and not too interested in talking to me today. Fine. You’re all peachy keen on my ass when I’m coming like a broken slot machine in Vegas but as soon as I start acting like a real human being, all of the sudden I’m not quite so “amazing” or “sexy”. Again, fine. You’re just proving that you are exactly the same as 75% of the men out there. You don’t really want us to have orgasms for our own enjoyment and personal satisfaction, no, it’s for your satisfaction. “I’m a good, considerate guy.” “I’m a real man.” “I’m a stud.” When it doesn’t work you get all personally upset about it, like it’s an insult that this chick couldn’t come. Hello? It doesn’t have anything to do with you. If it really was about us, the women, when we didn’t come occasionally (and sometimes more than occasionally), that would be okay, it happens, no big deal. But it is a big deal to you guys. It is always a huge fucking deal.

The other 25%, they’re the “Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am” guys. Don’t give a shit either way, but you know, sometimes that a relief, no pressure.

I have a little story for you, and I’ve written you in as the main character, so maybe it’ll hit home.

You really like track and field. And this girl you are seeing casually (or girl friend or wife, doesn’t matter) she loves track and field too. Everything should be great.

One day you get to the field and this woman, she wants to do the hurdles. Which would be wonderful, you love the hurdles, but not today. You take one look at those things and you know that there is not a snowball’s chance in hell of getting over them. Pulled muscle, have a cold, they raised the damn things by a foot since last time, it’s all the same result- there is no way you are going over today.

This is not what your little woman wants to hear. She wants you jumping so badly it’s beyond belief, sanity even. She asks. She demands. She begs. You know she is going to be disappointed in you, upset, a bit mad. Deep down you think that she might not even like you as much for not doing this for her, especially if you make a habit out of it. Kind of silly, because today, without God taking a personal hand in the matter, you are going to be on this side of those hurdles indefinitely.

There you stand, feeling lower than a trod on piece of shit, but what can you do? That seems to be the end of the story. No. There’s a punch line.

You see, this girlfriend of yours is blind. Strangely enough all your girlfriends both love the hurdles and are blind. If you want, you can tell her that you jumped those hurdles, and she’ll believe you whether you did or not. Absolutely she’ll believe you, contrary to even blatant evidence to the contrary. She’ll believe you because she desperately wants to believe. She’ll believe you’ve jumped back and forth across the hurdles like a Goddamned jack rabbit, if that’s what you tell her. Her self-esteem apparently demands it, so she’ll believe.

Keep in mind that this situation comes up very regularly and with every bloody woman you meet. You know lots of guys are not making those hurdles and are lying to their stupid, blind, hurdle-loving girlfriends as a result, even the really good athletes.

So do you lie to her or not? Think about it.